Chips off the old Klock Volume XIX
Published: February 3, 2011
Published: February 3, 2011
By JOE KLOCK SR.
Longtime readers of my columnnized claptrap (bless their masochistic hearts) will be aware that this offering is the 19th in a series of brain burps which erupt periodically.
This usually occurs when our "Miscellaneous" file has acquired the shape of the average middle-aged American's waistline.
It can also be motivated by the writer's unwillingness to choose among a horde of undeveloped topics or his inability to inflate (or flatulate) some of them to opusette length - usually a minimum of 750 words.
Thus, you are cautioned not to seek any continuity in what follows nor any depth of development.
Aside: The Roman Numeral XIX is an example of the numbering system devised by ancient Italians to facilitate counting things after they had exceeded the total number of their fingers and toes - or so I have been led to believe.
Without further ado, and before we say adieu, let's unload our latest lode of literary flotsam, jetsam and thensome, in the hope that it will either inform, amuse or stimulate you before boredom or aggravation do us part:
•There should be, if there is not, a special place in hell for those who invented "blister packing" of products, making them impenetrable by anything short of a jackhammer.
•Ditto the "childproofing" which any kid can penetrate, but which is a challenge to elderfolk akin to digestive regularity and the reading of small print warnings on patient meds.
•When and how did it become fashionable and/or even marginally acceptable for men and boys to wear headgear in a dining room?
•Something is wrong in the healing world when it takes more time, space and verbiage to cover the side effects of lotions and potions than to list their benefits.
•Fitted bed sheets should not have been marketed before their inventors figured out a way to fold the damthings.
•In defense of Bernie Madoff, he was little worse than an Uncle Sam who raided the piggy banks of Social Security and misappropriated their contents.
•In one way, our enemies are potentially more valuable to us than our friends, in that the former are more likely to remind us of faults that we should correct.
•A major difference between men and boys is the ever-increasing cost of their toys. (Adapted from a long-forgotten source.)
•Words of wisdom from Benjamin Franklin: "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage - half shut afterwards." (To which we might add ....."or else, learn to live alone.")
•'Splain me why our ballots are bilingual when you gotta be a citizen to vote and you gotta understand English in order to become a citizen.
•Also, how come it's illegal to drink and drive, but also against the law to operate a bar without parking facilities?
•Redneck philosophy: If you love something, set it free; if it returns, it is yours forever. If it doesn't, hunt it down and beat the crap out of it!
•If you like the idea of good government, responsible debate and efficient meeting management, avoid watching C-SPAN.
•Business tip: Sitting on your ass might make sense in a donkey race, but it's no way to compete in a 100-yard dash.
•Speaking of races, "fartlek" is a legitimate term used in road running and interval training. I defy you, however, to read the foregoing sentence aloud with a perfectly straight face.
•Serious advice and a stern warning to voters at all levels in America: seek immediate help if any election lasts more than four years.
•It doesn't pass the smell test when our elected reprehensibles pass any law or impose any restriction from which they hold themselves exempt.
•Stop the bullscat! If it sounds too good, too bad, too scary, or too wild, always GOOGLE it before passing it along to others. (Only good chains should be left unbroken!)
•A wordworker's definition of perfect relaxation might be achieving exactly the right degree of lassitude and loungitude. (Sorry 'bout that, but I wanted to purge it from the file).
•Old-time radio and early television left a lot to the viewers' imagination; might not be an altogether bad idea for contemporary women's fashions.
•Query for you English Lit Majors: Who was the cruel prankster or mean-spirited misanthrope who put an "s" in the word "lisp?
Thought for today, tomorrow and however long you have left: "Always" and "never" are words you should always remember never to use. "Maybe" is a good substitute.
Freelance wordworker Joe Klock Sr. (email@example.com) winters in Key Largo and Coral Gables and summers in New Hampshire. More of his "Klockwork" can be found at www.joeklock.com.