Chips off the old Klock

Column

BY JOE KLOCK, Klockworks

It has been just about a year since publication of the XIXth (well, why not?) in this series of brainburps which are not pithy enough for full columny, but sufficiently profound to escape condemnation to the bottom of my literary bird cage.

Readers who find any of them inspiring, or who simply have nothing better to, do are invited to expand on them and/or inflict them on their own defenseless kith and kin and/or launch them into the black hole of Spamworld.

Dumping them herein will have a purgative effect on your humble scribe's swollen files of flotsam, jetsam and thensome.

Some of the items are original, some reconstructed from random notes, and some have origins as obscure as old wives' tales, ethnic folklore and Yogi Berra quotations.

Anyway, for what it's worth, here goes:

• Becoming a parent is nothing more than a biological function; being one is quite something else.

Reportedly, the average male will spend six months of his life waiting for red lights - even longer while his life partner selects restaurant seating, buys shoes, or "gets ready" for bed.

It doesn't take any exceptional talent to do your best; it does, however, demand nothing less than all you've got.

Related principle: When you've done your best in whatever fields of endeavor are important to you, you have reached the pinnacle of human potential, and nobody in the history of mankind has ever done more or done better.

Life may not always be a bowl of cherries and a barrel of laughs, but it beats hell out of the only really known alternative.

The prototypical loser is a flagpole sitter with a kidney condition.

There's no such thing as a lost opportunity; the ones you and I pass up are sure to be found by someone else. Otherwise, why didn't one of us invent Post-It Notes?

The contribution of drummers to music is more than just cymbalic. (Sorry about that!)

How come oversee and overlook have opposite meanings, while quite a lot and quite a few are similar in meaning? 

Point to ponder: Team work may be a rewarding thing in other competitive sports, but in the Iditarod, only the lead dog ever gets a change of scenery.

The road to success is not a toll-free highway, but neither, come to think of it, is the road to failure.

Gotta wonder why one of the prequalifications for college entrance isn't at least one year of voluntary service in the real world, wherein they'll live thereafter.

There's no fool like an old fool; you just can't beat all that experience.

The worst rip-off in nature: A male praying mantis cannot copulate with his head attached, so the female initiates foreplay by tearing it off. (Also, clearly, a cure for his roving eyes.)

Officeholders, like diapers, should be changed periodically and, metaphorically, for the same reason.

Let's face it, guys - the only indispensable man in all of history was Adam.

Most people seek advice for the same basic reason as drunks look for lamp posts - for support, rather than than illumination.

Good description of Atheists at their own wakes: All dressed up and no place to go.

"Progressives" seem to want folks to apologize for being successful, as though underachievement is a proud badge of honor.

Don't be afraid to admit making a mistake; after all, God created the cockroach, didn't He?

Time wounds all heels - well, at least, enough of them to discourage us from mimicking their behavior.

Life is somewhat like a roll of toilet paper; the closer you come th the end, the faster it goes.

Peter Piper step aside: Here's a world-class tongue twister and sobriety test: "The sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick."

If you are loved, there is little else that matters in your life.

When you're up to your ass in alligators, it's difficult to remember that your original intention had been to drain the swamp.

Sign in a Dublin pub: "Work is the curse of the drinking class."

If you are in doubt, doing anything is better than doing nothing. Even doing the wrong thing is a learning experience; inaction seldom is, if ever.

Without first obtaining your consent, nobody can make you feel inferior.  

Which cruel, inconsiderate, person-hating, downright sadistic SOB in our early history decided to put the "s" in "lisp?'

Forgive yourself – as you tend to forgive your best friend – for not being perfect.

   All for now and until whenever.