Who's that knocking on my door?

My name is Ron Rae. And I'm a Fox News-aholic. Right now I'm on a binge.

It's not something I'm particularly proud of, nor am I ashamed to admit my addiction. Nor am I likely to bring up the subject for discussion. Some would think me a little radical and frown upon the network association. Others would make me a devout follower and prone to sign petitions or documents that would haunt me at some future date. I'm paranoid. I want to appear on as few lists as possible until my faceless name is in the obituaries. The ashes of cremation will mark my place in history.

Sorry, I got sidetracked for a moment as I thought about the Fox premise that I will have a limited time left on Earth once health care reform pre-subscribes when rigor mortis must set in. Back to Fox...

Neil Cavuto is very intellectual and presents his views with calm logic. He has signature broadcasts on both Fox News and Fox Business. I don't always agree with his views, but he's very affable and allows his guests to finish a complete sentence and make a point without being talked-over and yelled at. Neil is pretty cool. Bill is not.

Unfortunately, when I think of The O'Reilly Factor, Barney Frank immediately comes to mind. I wish it weren't so, but the exchanges between the two are representative of Bill O'Reilly's trademark tirades, rants, rages, rudeness, talking over, talking down ... and upstaging. The verbal fracas with Frank on Fannie and Freddie was classic, as was the interview when Barney sat virtually complacent as he picked at his fingernails with downcast eyes, a pouty face and a belligerent attitude. Of course, Bill had to employ "America's body language expert," Tonya Reiman, to explain in detail what the audience already knew. But that's the way Bill spins.

And yet, Bill is a pretty much middle of the road compared to Glenn Beck, who discounts the notion that no man is an island as he's left all alone on camera after being boycotted by his sponsors for a racist remark he made about President Barack Obama.

Beck's modus operandi centers on mock-shocking the cable audience with hardcore rages that cover the full color spectrum of a prism. He operates his trademark chalkboard as if it were one great big huge flashcard, moving cast members from one hand of conspirators to another and, viola! He exposes a full deck of collaborators! Ah! But he must continue to unearth the many seeds of conspiracies.

There is no hope for the future, the Obama administration is chock full of communists, most notably Van Jones, the deposed Green Jobs Czar, who resigned under pressure for having associated himself with Communist, Marxist and Leninist groups and had made an asinine comment about Republicans. You see, that's just one example of the many conspiracy theories that broil through Beck's blue-blooded soul and the demons that haunt his subconscious.

But isn't that a pretty good definition of conservatives - bitch, moan, groan, name the blame but keep everything the same unless it happens to be what's right for their causes?

And all the while, I'm thinking, This guy can't be serious! But, yes, of course, he is what he is - one kooky showman whose bottom line is all about the bucks. An hour-long politically motivated platform, book deals, sold-out nationwide tours - he's rolling in the dough as I'm rolling on the floor with gut-wrenching laughter.

There you have it. My main attraction to Glenn's dialogue is the hilarious antics he's perfected. The best laugh was on him when his sponsors boycotted his show for a racist remark he made about Obama. Yukkity-yuk-yuk!

He's just what my psychiatrist recommends as a daily supplement to my prescribed mood stabilizers - take his antics with a grain of salt and call the doctor in the morning to re-evaluate my mental state. Yes, sir, I take heed to his frantic pleas to expose to the masses the social ills wrought upon this once great country by the left-of-center ballyhoos.

I have to admit, I'm hooked, addicted to his contorted facial expressions as he powwows with his devout followers. I swear the guy must sit in front of a mirror for hours on end, perfecting what he tries to pull off as really sincere. He's a joker.

Nonetheless, at this time in my life and the historic changes, I must have faith they will turn out OK for America's future. But I'm stuck in this mental state that I'm better off preparing myself for the worst-case scenario. Right now I'm on the opposite side of "on the wagon."

So, I turn to Fox to reinforce my fears that all is not well, and forced euthanasia is knocking on my door.