Dear GOP chairman, please send money now

Michael Steele, Chairman

Republican National Committee

301 First Street SE

P.O. Box 96994

Washington, D.C., 20077-7556

Dear Mr. Steele,

Thank you for your letter dated "Monday Morning" to a colleague here at the newspaper, and for the enclosed 2010 Obama Agenda Survey which was registered in his name and affixed with a tracking code to ensure that it was accounted for in the tabulated results. Said colleague regrets that he is too busy to fill it out and return it himself, so he passed it along to me. I hope you will accept my very important response to your questions, which are reprinted in boldface below.

Do you agree with Barack Obama and the Democrats that taxes should be raised for the sake of "fairness," regardless of the negative impact it is likely to have on the economy?

Absolutely! As John McCain said in 2008, we should definitely eliminate the unfair tax exemption for employer-provided health insurance and replace it with a refundable tax credit for all Americans: "Health care in America should be ... available to all and not limited by where you work or how much you make. It should be fair to all, providing help where the need is greatest."

Do you believe the federal government has gone too far in bailing out failing banks, insurance companies and the auto industry?

You bet. It is time the federal government started bailing out some other failing industries for a change.

Do you support amnesty for illegal immigrants?

Only if they are Cuban, like Elian Gonzales.

Should English be the official language of the United States?

Darn tootin'! There ought to be a law against people writing things such as: "As a registered participant in this important touchstone survey, your questionnaire answers will be used to represent a broad sampling of Republicans in your area." (Michael Steele, letter dated "Monday Morning.") Please have whoever wrote that letter diagram that sentence. You will find that its subject is not "you," but "your questionnaire answers." The introductory clause is a dangling modifier, and it actually suggests that "your questionnaire answers" are a registered participant in this important touchstone survey. To quote John Tuturro in "O Brother, Where Art Thou?": That don't make no sense.

Are you in favor of granting retroactive Social Security eligibility to illegal immigrants who gain U.S. citizenship through an amnesty program?

That depends. If the amnesty program is supported by President Barack Obama, of course not! On the other hand, Ronald Reagan signed the Simpson-Mazzoli Act of 1986, which granted amnesty to about 1.7 million illegal aliens, under terms considerably more liberal than those being considered now. I'm not sure if Simpson-Mazzoli granted retroactive Social Security eligibility or not. If it did and Reagan was for it, then so am I. But if Obama is for it, then I am against it.

Do you believe that Barack Obama's nominees for federal courts should be immediately and unquestionably approved for their lifetime appointments by the U.S. Senate?

Heck, no. Wait, I mean yes! No - OK, here's the deal. I agree with The New York Times on this one. Filibusters and secret holds and stuff like that represent a threat to basic representative democracy when they are used against my side. When they are used against the other side they represent "one of the checks and balances that the Founders, who worried greatly about concentration of power, built into our system of government." They are "one of the oldest traditions in American democracy" - except when the other guys use them. Then they are proof that the system is broken and needs to be reformed right away.

Mr. Steele, in order to serve you better I am asking you to take just a few minutes and answer the following questions in return:

1.) What's with all the italic and random capitalization and underlined words and screaming boldface? Does everyone who writes direct-mail copy go to the same school, or what?

2.) Do you know how I can get my computer to underline words? The CONTROL-U command does not seem to be working.

3.) You and I know that both political parties will do and say just about anything to win. That is why it is important for members of the media to continue holding their feet to the fire by pointing out the silly stunts they pull. But we can't do it without your help. Your response to these questions is important. But money is even more important. That's why I'm asking you to include a contribution of $500, $250 or even $10,000 along with your response.

In order to help defeat the liberal Democrats' agenda of giving even more power to the IRS, I am also requesting that you send the money in cash.