Dear Mr. Nobel

Get ready, all you liberal loonies: Set your e-mail on ALL-CAPS, sprinkle it with obscenities and be sure to charge me with racial prejudice. I am going to criticize the Nobel Committee's seemingly-surprising award of a Peace Prize to President Barack Hussein Obama.

There is, in fact, so little justification for the now nearly meaningless award to President Obama, that one can only assume the Norwegian Five were playing perverse, satirical, sniggering games, when they nominated a person based on what he said he might do, rather than on what he had done.

Could it be that the Norwegians, mentally deranged by months of perpetual night and rationed vodka, finally lost what little was left of their liberal minds? Or had they, instead, been so blinded by sometimes seemingly endless sunlight that they eventually cobbled-up a perverse scheme to embarrass the increasingly unpopular United States?

Recall, if you will, these are the same bunch that recently, and most curiously, selected Al Gore for an award, which was based on his having cleverly, if often inaccurately, turned the highly debatable works of others into an idea and crusade of his own. (I refer to "global warming," rather than to his invention of the Internet). Could it be that the Nobel groups are using the awards to mock and ridicule us?

Perhaps there is another, equally discouraging, explanation for the curious award to President Obama. Europeans have, throughout my life at least, been more for negotiation than action, no matter what the threat to world peace. Can you recall, or have you ever read about, when, in 1938, British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain, returned in much-publicized triumph from a Munich meeting with Adolf Hitler? He then proudly waved copies of the signed documents produced by that meeting, which, through diplomacy (including especially the concession of handing over Czechoslovakia to Germany), had created "Peace in our time?"

Europe went wild with praise for Mr. Chamberlain; less than a year later, World War II began. Peace talks with irrational dictators have never been effective nor productive; yet that is, essentially, the policy apparently being followed by our president. I say "essentially," because while President Obama speaks eloquently about peace through diplomacy, he supports a major, and highly debatable, military operation in Afghanistan.

Then, consider that nominations for any Nobel Prize must be submitted to committee not later than Feb. 1 of each year. Doesn't it strike you as strange that President Obama's name was submitted (by whom?), when he'd been in office, and on the public stage, for barely a month, prior to, and during which, he'd accomplished absolutely nothing other than make hollow references to what he perceived as popular topics with the world's masses.

Yes, there is room to wonder whether or not the cold winters and fish diets of Norwegians had somehow altered their abilities to reason: Unless you accept that they have created and promulgated the world's greatest satirical joke.

Well, all that aside for the moment, if the Nobel guys are willing to pass out a million bucks for what someone says he'll do, I'd like to submit my name now, for next year's Science Award.

Dear Mr. Nobel,

I am planning to develop and produce a perpetual motion machine. This device will run forever, without consuming any power, and without emitting anything harmful to the environment. It will not cost anything to anyone; yet will be provided in such variety and quantity that everyone will have access to them. They'll power motor vehicles, electric generators, machine shops, construction equipment, trains, even ships as large as aircraft carriers. They'll be available to anyone, regardless of religion, race, sex, ethnicity, political philosophy, nationality, criminal record, hair style or physical handicap. Seems to me that this is convincing justification to award me the Science Prize.

I respectfully also point out that this machine will, through elimination of arguments over scarce natural resources (e.g., oil, water) do away with most of the world's reasons for wars, so perhaps you could also put my name in for that wonderful "Peace Prize."

Thank you sirs for your kind consideration. God bless the great Norwegian nation and all the Nobels.

Sincerely yours,

T. Greatest Inventor