Playing Secrets: A Road To Destruction

As we mature, most of us learn that having secrets is harmful to developing wholesome relationships. Telling a child that she is adopted up front has proven to be a better policy than fabricating a massive lie. Sooner or later this lie explodes shaking up the entire family.

In therapy we know a child keeping a secret of sexual or physical abuse has to face the truth in order to heal. The same can be said of a teenager hiding an unwanted pregnancy or covering a crime for her brother or a mother hiding her child's drug or alcohol addiction.

Being honest with others and ourselves keeps us on a good path. Telling and keeping secrets about our life perpetuates and escalates our problems. The lack of seeking honest advice from loved ones leaves us without a compass in a complex world.

When a person tells you, "I am going to tell you something but you cannot tell anyone else," you are put in an unenviable position. A smart and strong individual will refuse to hear the secret even though they know that it will raise the ire of the other person. A less aware person may take the easy way out and listen. By going along and committing yourself to keeping this secret, you are choosing to be an accomplice to a destructive act.

Accepting someone's secret means you are agreeing to lie by omission or lie directly. This creates an unhealthy bond. To preserve the secret the person knows she has to lie from that moment on. Lying to everyone and anyone who comes close to the forbidden subject forces a person to be an enabler of the process. The joiner of the "secret game" is forever burdened with concealing the truth.

The "secret game" starts with some girls when they are children. It is an easy way to develop a close, closed and controlling relationship with another. Youngsters often tell the secret, true or untrue, about another child to isolate one child and capture another's allegiance in a devious way. Usually the game player is exposed. She either learns a lesson that stops the game or moves onto another person to play again forming an unhealthy behavioral addiction.

The secrets become bigger and more elaborate sucking others into the drama. Some of the secrets are true, some partially true; others are whopping lies that create a dramatic existence far removed from necessary grounding in reality. The lack of a reality check seduces the player deeper into the game. Even if the secret is true, it will only remain so with the help of people who continue to lie to keep the secret.

The secret game player/actress spins out of control attempting to suspend the truth so others will not penetrate the web of her virtual world. Like any series of lies, they eventually implode, leaving the perpetrator with a decision. Either the game player can "come clean" and ask for help or claim to be a victim going further down the abyss of emotional instability.

Anyone who loves this soul who is drowning in the quicksand of lies should throw a lifeline of truth to pull her out of her self-made nightmare. Cowardly participating in the charade does nothing to extricate the person from her pending tragedy. The truth will act as a lifesaver. It is the greatest gift you can give, although it will initially cause an intensive emotional tantrum.

This loving confrontation offers the misguided, emotionally controlling and out-of-control person a real jolt to pull her out and place her firmly on solid reality. The cancer of lies devouring the teller and others in this drama world that evolves from telling of the secret is killed in its tracks. The wasted energy expended to direct people to think and say certain things and who to say them to, becomes unnecessary. The fear of being exposed as a pathological liar is eliminated.

The truth disinfects and cleans out this damaged soul. People will forgive the damage caused to them by the secrets only when there is a sincere commitment to stop playing the despicable "secret game."

The end of the "secret game" is the only way to a healthy life for the player and all the people in her life. As soon as an enabler to the game has the courage to stop being an emotional appeaser, he is able to use his power of love to help her and their relationship regain the authenticity and freedom of choice to live a normal life.

The game of secrecy places an individual and her associates in bondage making them more vulnerable to evil. The light of truth frees the spirit to do good works.

Domenick J. Maglio, Ph.D., is the author of "Invasion Within" and "Essential Parenting." He is a psychotherapist and the owner/director of Wider Horizons School. Visit: www.drmaglio.com.

MAGLIO