My Upbeat-I'm-Not-Ready-To-Quit-Just-Yet-Loser-Speech

As I watched the results of a recent presidential primary - the batteries in the remote had suddenly stopped working and I couldn't flip to "Pimp My Ride" without getting off the couch - I was amazed at the upbeat, positive speeches given by the losers.

Here were candidates who spent millions of dollars and hundreds of man hours clamoring for votes only to find themselves somewhere back in the pack while a bitter rival basked in banner-waving glory and got all the face time on cable TV news channels. If it were me, my speech would have been a tad venomous.

"You mean I got on a bus and rode 500 miles to this godforsaken part of the world, spent a bunch of money that I basically don't have, shook hands with people who may be harboring the Ebola virus, kissed a boatload of snot-nosed babies, listened to crazy ol' Jerry over there whine for 45 minutes about his FICA contributions and I finished third? THIRD? Y'all can kiss my !%$!"That's why I'm not a presidential candidate. Well, that and enough skeletons in my closet to field two complete rugby teams.

But as I listened to these speeches, I began to see a pattern. Certain words, certain phrases seemed to jump out no matter whose lips were moving. There must be a template for the Upbeat-I'm-Not-Ready-To-Quit-Just-Yet-Loser-Speech. I searched the Internet for one, but I became distracted by the latest Britney Spears news (she reportedly harassed U.S. warships in the Strait of Hormuz) and forgot all about what I was doing.

So, instead of wasting more time on more research, I wrote my own Upbeat-I'm-Not-Ready-To-Quit-Just-Yet-Loser-Speech applicable to any primary.

Here it is:

(SPIRITED APPLAUSE. SIGNS WAVE. CLASSIC ROCK THEME SONG PLAYS. CANDIDATE SMILES. CANDIDATE WAVES. CANDIDATE POINTS TO SOMEONE IN THE CROWD HE PRETENDS TO KNOW. CANDIDATE KISSES WIFE NONPASSIONATELY.)

Thank you. Thank you. I don't know about you, but I feel like a winner tonight.

(MORE SPIRITED APPLAUSE.)

Even though we finished fifth in a field of five, the 418 people from the great state of (name of state) who want a change of course in this nation spoke loud and clear. Let me hear you!

( LEAD CROWD IN CHANT OF CAMPAIGN SLOGAN DEVELOPED BY A TEAM OF CONSULTANTS.)

As I traveled all over this great state of (name of state), I met people like (name of someone with a problem the government didn't solve.) And he said to me, it is time take government out of the hands of (name of opposite political party) and give it back to those to whom it truly belongs, the people.

(APPLAUSE.)

I traveled to (insert names of several towns to show you were actually in the state for a while) and in (name of one of those towns) I talked with (someone like crazy ol' Jerry, who rambled on and on about FICA contributions) and he let me know in no uncertain terms he doesn't like the direction we're headed.

As a boy, I worked (at some kind of job the rest of us worked at to show that he's not above us) and it taught me the value of a dollar. Those bureaucrats in Washington, those (members of opposite political party) seem to have forgotten all about that.

We may have finished fifth tonight, but we are not ready to give up. Let me hear you!

(LEAD CROWD IN CHANT OF CAMPAIGN SLOGAN DEVELOPED BY TEAM OF CONSULTANTS. POINT AND WAVE AT CRAZY OL' JERRY)

We are in this for the long run. Now, it's on to the great state of (name of next primary state.)

(BACK ON BUS, INSTRUCT WRITERS TO BEGIN WORK ON SPEECH ANNOUNCING WITHDRAWAL FROM RACE.)