Scott's Super Powerful Year In Preview, Part II

Attentive readers - that would be those who are not at this point staring into space, wondering why they were reading this eight seconds ago - may recall last week's column, Scott's Super Powerful Year in Preview 2009, Part I.

That's where I purported to use my ability to see into the future, a super power I allegedly gained in a Los Alamos lab accident in the early '40s, to offer iron-clad, month-by-month predictions for 2009.

Cynics may claim it's a cheap way to stretch one dubious column into two so I can spend the New Year's holiday drinking even cheaper beer under no deadline pressure. To those cynics, I can only say, "Ha, ha. I thought of it first."

To recap last week's preview of the first six months of 2009: President Barack Obama takes the oath of office to the delight of millions, but approval ratings plummet when he fails to fix everything in the first two hours of his administration. Flush with bailout money, Chrysler introduces the sporty Dodge Desperate, which runs on actual cash stuffed directly into the gas tank, according to new Chrysler CEO and former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich. Newspaper readership and ad revenues rise when Americans realize that much information on the Internet isn't true. Americans abruptly return to the Internet when they realize newspapers have far fewer pictures of naked people than the Internet.

And now, Scott's Super Powerful Year in Preview, Part II.

July: Movie star and humanitarian Angelina Jolie announces that she has adopted every remaining orphan in the world. She, significant other Brad Pitt and the children, who are all legally renamed "Hey You," plan to reside on the continent of Australia, which they purchase with several billion dollars found lying around their guest house. All Australians are given a 30-day eviction notice.

President Barack Obama, weary of the crushing presence of the media, beats a TV news reporter senseless with a copy of The Washington Post during a photo op at the White House Rose Garden. His approval ratings skyrocket.

August: A secret commando squad led by former President George W. Bush captures Osama Bin Laden in a rugged section of Pakistan. When Bin Laden attempts to escape while Bush is unfurling a "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED AGAIN THIS TIME" banner, former Vice President Dick Cheney shoots the al Qaida leader in the face and Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin field dresses him on the spot. Bin Laden says that, in retrospect, he regrets adding Bush to his MySpace page.

September: As the global economy worsens, Father Time is forced to lay off the month of September, which is escorted off the calendar by the human resources director and Larry from security.

October: Newspapers, scrambling to find ways to compete with the popularity of the anything-goes Internet, resign themselves to providing an insatiable and jaded public with what it craves: pure sleaze. Unfortunately, the first red-hot pictorial, "The Supreme Court Disrobed," is met with widespread revulsion and several reports of people poking their own eyes out with salad forks.

November: President Barack Obama continues the tradition of pardoning the White House turkey. Media outlets then reveal the turkey was a major player in a ponzi scheme that bilked hundreds of investors out of millions of dollars.

"I have called for an immediate Justice Department probe of the turkey in question," Obama says in a statement. "And as an added precaution, we are currently vetting the gravy."

December: Newspaper readership hits an all-time high, ad revenues break previous records and stock prices go through the roof as media executives finally realize what the public can't get enough of: Two-part prediction columns by smart-*** knuckleheads claiming bogus super powers.