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Local Man Finds Headless Squirrel
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Published: March 15, 2009
When I found a headless squirrel in my driveway, I knew it was either the work of the scruffy stray cat that slinks across our yard or, considering the type of animal beheaded and the ritualistic display of the carcass, a hillbilly voodoo cult.
I fetched my roadkill shovel, disposed of the poor critter properly, made a mental note to never again cross a hillbilly voodoo cult and sat down to write a well-researched column on the global economic crisis, since it's being ignored entirely by the mainstream media.
But wait, I thought. Wouldn't the folks who regularly read this column (that's you Uncle Eustice and you scary guy who e-mails in all capital letters about the CIA MICROCHIP IMPLANTED IN YOUR BRAIN) expect me to write something vaguely humorous about a headless squirrel?
I could write it as a fake police report.
Case No. 45622
Date entered: 3/12/2009 9:56 AM.
Responding officer: Renko, A.J.
Narrative: I was dispatched to the above residence in reference to a 911 call from a homeowner who reported a deceased and possibly decapitated rodent in this driveway. Upon arrival, I exited my vehicle and approached the homeowner, who needed a haircut. He identified himself as a Mr. Hollifield and asked if he could hold my gun. I responded that allowing citizens to hold department-issued weapons was against procedure.
I secured the scene and began a preliminary investigation. I observed what appeared to be a deceased rodent lying on a driveway badly in need of resurfacing. On further examination, I determined that the deceased was an adult male Sciurus carolinensis or Eastern gray squirrel which had suffered head trauma, due to the head being missing.
The homeowner claimed he had no previous contact with the deceased. The homeowner did advise that, on several occasions, he had encountered a "scruffy stray cat known as Randy" and had a previous altercation with a "hillbilly voodoo cult."
I ascertained that the homeowner was a jerk.
I turned the case over to Crime Scene Investigation's rodent unit.
Status: Open.
***
Or I could write it as a fake newspaper story.
LOCAL MAN FINDS HEADLESS SQUIRREL
By Phillip Space
In these uncertain economic times, even squirrels are losing their heads.
Local man and noted crank Scott Hollowfield learned that lesson Thursday when, on his way to the place where he works for at least the foreseeable future, he stumbled across a gruesome scene: a headless squirrel.
"He was quiet, kept to himself," Hollowfield said of the victim. "I don't know who could do such a terrible thing, but once you put this story on your Web site, I will anonymously point the finger of guilt at that scruffy stray cat Randy or a hillbilly voodoo cult by posting misspelled, mean-spirited comments."
***
Or I could write it as a fake chapter in a fake pulp crime novel.
CHAPTER 4
Roxy had legs that wouldn't quit. And I was no quitter.
"How about another gin and tonic, baby?" I said.
"You buyin'?" she purred through those ruby red lips.
That's when Simmons, the rookie, burst into the bar.
"Lieutenant! Lieutenant!"
"Keep your pants on, Simmons."
"They... they found another one. It's bad... real bad."
And it was. The kind of bad that hits you in the gut like a Louisville Slugger swung by a silverback gorilla hopped up on PCP.
Another dead squirrel. This time, it had no head.
I sent a couple of uniforms to canvass the neighborhood. Shake a few trees, see what falls out. Maybe more dead squirrels.
Then I leaned hard on the homeowner, a clueless mope who babbled on about a scruffy stray cat named Randy.
I knew better. You spend 15 years in this sewer with a gun and a badge, you know things. And I knew this had the signature of a hillbilly voodoo cult.
***
On second thought, writing about a headless squirrel in my driveway is silly. Instead, here's well-researched column about the global economic crisis - darn, out of space.
When I found a headless squirrel in my driveway, I knew it was either the work of the scruffy stray cat that slinks across our yard or, considering the type of animal beheaded and the ritualistic display of the carcass, a hillbilly voodoo cult.
I fetched my roadkill shovel, disposed of the poor critter properly, made a mental note to never again cross a hillbilly voodoo cult and sat down to write a well-researched column on the global economic crisis, since it's being ignored entirely by the mainstream media.
But wait, I thought. Wouldn't the folks who regularly read this column (that's you Uncle Eustice and you scary guy who e-mails in all capital letters about the CIA MICROCHIP IMPLANTED IN YOUR BRAIN) expect me to write something vaguely humorous about a headless squirrel?
I could write it as a fake police report.
Case No. 45622
Date entered: 3/12/2009 9:56 AM.
Responding officer: Renko, A.J.
Narrative: I was dispatched to the above residence in reference to a 911 call from a homeowner who reported a deceased and possibly decapitated rodent in this driveway. Upon arrival, I exited my vehicle and approached the homeowner, who needed a haircut. He identified himself as a Mr. Hollifield and asked if he could hold my gun. I responded that allowing citizens to hold department-issued weapons was against procedure.
I secured the scene and began a preliminary investigation. I observed what appeared to be a deceased rodent lying on a driveway badly in need of resurfacing. On further examination, I determined that the deceased was an adult male Sciurus carolinensis or Eastern gray squirrel which had suffered head trauma, due to the head being missing.
The homeowner claimed he had no previous contact with the deceased. The homeowner did advise that, on several occasions, he had encountered a "scruffy stray cat known as Randy" and had a previous altercation with a "hillbilly voodoo cult."
I ascertained that the homeowner was a jerk.
I turned the case over to Crime Scene Investigation's rodent unit.
Status: Open.
***
Or I could write it as a fake newspaper story.
LOCAL MAN FINDS HEADLESS SQUIRREL
By Phillip Space
In these uncertain economic times, even squirrels are losing their heads.
Local man and noted crank Scott Hollowfield learned that lesson Thursday when, on his way to the place where he works for at least the foreseeable future, he stumbled across a gruesome scene: a headless squirrel.
"He was quiet, kept to himself," Hollowfield said of the victim. "I don't know who could do such a terrible thing, but once you put this story on your Web site, I will anonymously point the finger of guilt at that scruffy stray cat Randy or a hillbilly voodoo cult by posting misspelled, mean-spirited comments."
***
Or I could write it as a fake chapter in a fake pulp crime novel.
CHAPTER 4
Roxy had legs that wouldn't quit. And I was no quitter.
"How about another gin and tonic, baby?" I said.
"You buyin'?" she purred through those ruby red lips.
That's when Simmons, the rookie, burst into the bar.
"Lieutenant! Lieutenant!
"Keep your pants on, Simmons."
"They... they found another one. It's bad... real bad."
And it was. The kind of bad that hits you in the gut like a Louisville Slugger swung by a silverback gorilla hopped up on PCP.
Another dead squirrel. This time, it had no head.
I sent a couple of uniforms to canvass the neighborhood. Shake a few trees, see what falls out. Maybe more dead squirrels.
Then I leaned hard on the homeowner, a clueless mope who babbled on about a scruffy stray cat named Randy.
I knew better. You spend 15 years in this sewer with a gun and a badge, you know things. And I knew this had the signature of a hillbilly voodoo cult.
***
On second thought, writing about a headless squirrel in my driveway is silly. Instead, here's well-researched column about the global economic crisis - darn, out of space.
Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or e-mail rhollifield@mcdowellnews.com.
Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or e-mail rhollifield@mcdowellnews.com. Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. Contact
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