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Young People: Don't Try This At Home

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The Tampa Tribune

Published: March 8, 2009

As a media superstar, I believe I have an opportunity - no, an obligation - to offer the young people of this great nation some sound advice, such as "stay out of my yard, whippersnapper" or "get a haircut, you darn hippy."

Primarily a newspaper writer, I am idolized by today's younger generation in the same way they revere such cutting-edge media figures as Beetle Bailey and the ghost of Ann Landers. Yes, being a role model is an awesome responsibility, and the crushing burden often keeps me awake at night. Well, that and staring into the dark and unknowable abyss that is my employment future.

I can't reach out and touch each person individually, because that would be extremely creepy, but I can offer this series of public service announcements that I hope will be reproduced in such youth-oriented publications as Grit, U.S. News & World Report and Maxim, as well as uploaded to popular Web sites, texted to friends and regurgitated in 140-character chunks on Twitter.

Public Service Announcement No. 1: Hello, I'm Scott Hollifield from the newspaper, you know, like the musty, brown thing you found in your grandma's attic that told all about the Kennedy assassination. But I'm not here to talk about newspapers, I'm here to talk about stuffing cats into homemade bongs.

It's not cool.

According to a story by The Associated Press, a 20-year-old Omaha, Neb. man was charged on March 1 with suspicion of animal cruelty after police caught him "smoking marijuana from a boxlike contraption that had (a) cat stuffed inside its 12-inch by 6-inch base."

He admitted to doing it on at least two other occasions because it "calmed the cat down."

Sometimes, stuffing an agitated cat into a device constructed for illicit drug use may seem like the best course of action, but it really isn't. When confronted with a freaked-out feline, try this instead. First, take a deep breath. No, not from a homemade bong. That's what got Spicoli Jr. into trouble in the first place. Take a deep, cleansing breath and remain calm. Talk to the cat in soothing tones. "Chill, Fluffy."

Next, buy a newspaper, still a bargain at only 75 cents (prices subject to change). Read aloud from the newspaper - especially those stories that use words like "facilities," "mandate" and "revenues" over and over - until the cat calms down and eventually dies of boredom.

Remember, just say no to stuffing a cat into a homemade bong.

Public Service Announcement No. 2: Hello, I'm Scott Hollifield, from such public service announcements as "Just Say No to Stuffing a Cat into a Homemade Bong." But I'm not here to talk about stupifyingly unacceptable behavior, I'm here to talk about newspapers.

Just the other day, Beetle Bailey, the ghost of Ann Landers and I were pondering the so-called demise of the daily paper. We believe the news of our death has been greatly exaggerated (except in Ann's case.) All we really need is a mandate to pump more revenues into newspaper facilities. And that mandate starts with you, the young people of this great nation.

Put down your agitated cats and your homemade bongs and pick up a newspaper. At only 75 cents (prices subject to change), the world is at your fingertips in vivid black and white on most inside pages. Once you have ingested the knowledge within, fold the newspaper into a festive hat or a creek-worthy miniature boat. Can you do that with your fancy netbook? Didn't think so.

Remember, young people, each newspaper you buy will help some ink-stained wretch keep his desk by day while lying awake at night and staring into the dark and unknowable abyss that is his employment future.

Oh, yeah. Stay out of my yard, whippersnapper.

Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or e-mail rhollifield@mcdowellnews.com.

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