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Hernando Today

Giving Up On The Airlines

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JOHN HERBERT

From Where I Sit

Published: March 1, 2009

I was ready - four George Washingtons were burning a hole in my pocket for that long-awaited in-flight Scotch. No change required. I figured I was doing the flight attendant a favor by offering exact change. The Continental flight attendant nixed me, though. "Only credit cards and coupons," he snarled, waving one of those infernal wands - an automated credit card scanner.

"Gee." I reflected. Details they never boast about in their ads. Guess there are just some minor "flight improvements" the airlines would rather downplay.

I was prepared to get something for nothing, however, on SAS, a big European airline. Settling back in my adequately-comfortable in-flight launching pad, I asked for a drink of water. "Sure," the flight attendant smiled (the smile was free) as she served me a plastic bottle of water (with cup). "That will be $4, please."

Down at Miami airport a few weeks ago, I was pretty gaga after flying all night, even nodding off occasionally. Fortunately, American kept me hopping - changing departure gates three times in a little more than an hour.

One mystery I've never solved is how, in one year, a now-defunct airline booked everyone into a New York (JFK) hotel at no extra charge to us, the paying passengers. The airport had been closed by bad weather. Maybe their generosity eventually forced them to liquidate - service does cost; but it's appreciated and usually picks up few more loyal customers if you happen to be going their way.

Fast forward a year, when wifey and I checked in for departure via U.S. Air at relatively convenient (for us) Manchester, N.H., airport. Sidewalk check-in was fast and our flight was listed as on time at 5.20 p.m.; we decided on a leisurely dinner before we left. Good thing we did. It was the last food we saw until we finally got home to Tampa Bay at 4 a.m. the following morning.

U.S. Air offered to book us a local hotel, but we'd have to foot the bill. "What?" I asked indignantly. "Bad weather. Not our fault," the U.S. agent snapped. Bye-bye, U.S. Air; never expect to see us on your frequent flyer list.

Deepest mystery of all was flying between Key West and Tampa. It cost me three times as much to go one-way, in less than half the flying time, to land in Key West, than it took a few weeks earlier to wing-it, nonstop on a Delta jet Tampa-Hartford. OK; I realize now that Continental flies only stone-age gas-guzzlers between Key West and Tampa, and they are more expensive to operate.

Those Tampa-based puddler-jumpers have neither lavatory, flight attendant, bar service nor legroom. Hardly what you'd call a "commercial carrier." But Continental does have a singular advantage between Tampa and Key West: by default or monopoly-design, the airline enjoys lone rights to operate pretty much as they want, with whatever piece of junk they have in flight shape, at whatever fare they think will fly. Resident Hemingway would have taken one glimpse and headed for the parking lot.

On a torn-up plastic cushion in Key West's unbelievably rustic departure "hall" (no lavs, no bar, no newsstand,) I finally saw the light. Shining all the way from the tiny, decommissioned airbase in remote Temuco in deepest, darkest southern Chile. Temuco offered more conveniences than Key West! "I really don't need this anymore," this retired road warrior said to himself, while waiting for a flight out of the Keys recently.

So, I'm pretty well through with flying commercially - except to the occasional family milestone. My choice.

There are some parts of the world I'd still rather leave to the sharp travel-writer eyes of a Somerset Maugham of 90 years ago. Or to my personal memories.

As far as I can determine, the airlines today make up the rules as they go along. I thought the customer, the guy who pays the airline staffers' salaries, is still in charge. No longer, apparently!

Not when it takes one U.S. carrier 21,241 words of a "Contract of Carriage," (probably more than The Tampa Tribune runs in one day - certainly more than a notorious speed reader could ever plow through overnight).

Another airline, also of U.S. markings, is even more liberal in "amplifying" on the joys of their "Contract:" 24,934 words, and those don't include a couple of thousand more words on discount fare rules (what we used to call "APEX" back in the "fun" old days of flight.

Only one feature seems to be consistent: Our airlines blame their seemingly daily rule changes on terrorists, on the TSA or even on the feds. Oh, and on the price of fuel - still set by last-year's $150 panic levels even though a barrel of crude petroleum hasn't cost more than $40 in several months.

The biggest current outrage, despite that irritating lack of mealtime food service or the heavy-handed, heat-packing departure lobby "service," is that we're obliged to fork over $15 for each bag we check in. Baggage-handling had been a free part of traditional airline service for almost 100 years, even when the luggage sometime ended up in the "lost and found" pile.Baggage handling hasn't improved, "mishandling" bags is still one of the feds' top passenger complaints (and airline sport?). The airlines are gradually renaming the "baggage fee" as a "handling charge."

Any compensation for that infuriating missing bag? Generally, no. But if you do dare complain too loudly, you might get a free ticket for future service.

If I'd had the same lousy service in a Tampa Bay restaurant I would have just walked out - without tipping or returning.

As I said above, I prefer to leave this miserable excuse for airline transportation to someone more adventurous - or patient. No wonder service-deprived Amtrak has already gone all but belly-up.

Those drives to Key West are looking more colorful than ever; shorter all the time, as well. And there are frequently-scheduled Keys bus services, if you must.

A regular columnist for Hernando Today, John Herbert lives in Spring Hill.

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