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Hernando Today

Saying 'goodbye' is hard at any age

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By VIRGINIA DIAZ

Hernando Today correspondent

Published: June 17, 2009

Small hands grasp the colorful strands of ribbons attached to a green helium balloon.

Each strand holds a message in the shape of a butterfly from a child to someone who was close to them in life.

When the strands are released, the balloon will carry the children's messages of love and loss to the heavens where they believe they will find their way to their special people.

As their butterflies drift heavenward, these primary school children are also learning an important life lesson.

"It helped me release my feelings," says Kama Woodall, one of the elementary school children attending last week's special Hernando Pasco Hospice (HPH) children's grief camp at Glen Lakes.

"It helped me have these ways to release my feelings at home."

Many emotions constitute grief. No one is too old or too young to feel it.

"It's a part of life but it's a part that has to be death with.

It's a process," explains Laura Finch, Director of Bereavement Services for HPH's Children's Assistance Program (CAP). "It can't be fixed. It can't be changed."

Facing it early and effectively is key in a child's development. Finch knows what happens when it is not.

"A lot of adults who have complicated grief when they're older had a lot of losses when they were younger and they weren't dealt with. I think the children's program is important because it not only teaches how to deal with their grief but with anything else they don't have control over."

Finch has a master's degree in education and mental health counseling. She's been working with children for several years. She says just because children aren't crying or behaving like the adults doesn't mean they are not experiencing grief.

"I was mad and sad and just angry," says Kyle Churches. Both of Kyle's grandfathers died within 6 months. His grandmother passed away several years ago.

The balloon message, a letter he wrote to his grandparents and several other exercises designed to help children come to grips with grief, have been helping.

"I wrote them to tell them that I miss them and that I'm all right and that since I've been coming to Mrs. Black (his counselor), I've been feeling a lot better than when they first died."

Kama Woodall lost her grandmother. "I wrote to her that if I could see her again I would say I love you more each day and I kept printing "P.S." because I couldn't stop thinking of things to write to her."

Although CAP's main focus is individual counseling, the group activities are an important part of overall healing for children. It teaches them not just to get in touch with their feelings but also to realize they are not alone.

"I lost my grandpa," says Victoria Besecker. "He had lung cancer. I didn't feel like I was the only kid but sometimes you feel like you're alone and you feel like nobody's with you and you feel like somebody else is going to die and you're going to lose them too."

Ryan Nigro was in the same letter-writing group as Victoria.

"It makes me feel a little bit better that I'm not the only person going through this."

"The loss of a loved one can be very isolating," explains Nilda Sessler, a CAP counselor from Citrus County It can make a child feel very different as if there's nobody else who can really understand. So any opportunity to be part of something in a happy way triggers that sense, that need of belonging and comfort."

"When I was an adult bereavement counselor," says Finch 'I used to tell adults how well and appropriate you are grieving will have a direct effect on how your child will be doing. So I would say it's a universal that how well the family dynamics are doing, how well the adults are doing will have a direct impact on how the children are doing."

The degree of the impact also has to do with how much the deceased was in the child's life. And, explains Finch, other types of losses can trigger a child's emotions.

"The grief process can be from any death. Death of a friend, the death of a pet or even the death of somebody the parent knew."

Finch also points out that children show grief in ways that correspond to developmental stages. Many act out. Young ones may show regressive behavior.

"You may get bed wetting again or go back to using a pacifier. You may see temper tantrums not so much because they're grieving but they're picking up the adults around them. A lot of children have separation anxiety. If a parent dies a lot of children become very clingy to whatever adult is close to them."

CAP offers counseling services free of charge for 13 months if the loved one was in Hernando Pasco Hospice care. Limited counseling with referral services are offered to all children through CAP even if the death was sudden and unexpected.

The program gets results.

"We see improvement," says Sessler. "Everything depends on what's happening with them but the exercises give them tools and skills they can use not just at this time but as they grow older."

One of the camp exercises was for each child to make a memory box to keep special things that remind them of their lost loved ones.

"If you feel this way, the best thing you can think about is the memories that you shared with them," says Kama.

Finch, who's devoted her life to helping adults and children like Kama, Ryan, Kyle and Victoria sees their experience as a lonely journey she feel blessed to be able to help with. "There is nothing more honorable than walking with somebody in their grief journey. I don't have to fix them or solve a problem. I just teach and guide. And it's the same thing with children."

If you have lost a family member and feel that your child may not be handling it well, Finch and her colleagues urge you to contact them for help.

Virginia Diaz writes regularly for the Hernando Today Health Today section. She lives in Brooksville and can be contacted at virginia.diaz61@gmail.com.

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