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The Gift Of Grief Relief

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By TONY MARRERO Hernando Today

The Tampa Tribune

Published: November 28, 2008

BROOKSVILLE - This time last year, Brenda Wrazin boarded a plane to say a final goodbye to her husband.

Bill Wrazin died on Nov. 20, 2007, in the couple's High Point home after a bout with cancer. It was two days before Thanksgiving. He was 71.

The Wrazins had their familial feast the week before, while the couple's son Mick was visiting from Japan.

"He was so happy to have everybody here," Brenda recalled of her husband of nearly 30 years.

On Thanksgiving Day, Brenda flew to New York for Bill's funeral in North Tonawanda.

A joyful holiday season suddenly seemed like something only other people would enjoy.

"It's the same holiday, but your world has fallen apart, and nothing is the same," said Brenda, 54. She enrolled in a bereavement support group offered by Hernando-Pasco Hospice. "I knew I was going down. I knew I had to do something."

The eight-week program came and went, members of the group became friends and still get together once a week.

This year's succession of special occasions won't be the same without Bill, Brenda acknowledges. But a year later, she says she knows she doesn't have to be sad all of the time, either - and she has a new group of friends to act as daily reminders if she needs them.

"You think you're at the bottom of the pond, and then you look up and see the light, and then your head pops up and you're treading water and heading toward the shore," she said.

Holidays are a difficult time for people mourning the loss of a loved one, even those who have had more than a year to cope with the reality, said Laura Finch, manager of bereavement services for Hernando-Pasco Hospice.

"So even after three years, the holidays have only come around three times," Finch said, "and that's not a lot when you're really digesting what happed and that this is going to be for forever."
Hospice offers three kinds of bereavement groups, all free of charge and open to the public.

The eight-week group Wrazin attended takes a "building block" approach, Finch said, starting with a sharing of the stories that compelled participants to attend. A facilitator helps group members identify the common responses to grief, how to cope with those reactions and how to move on without guilt.

A two-hour holiday workshop offered in November and December aims to help mourners make it through what should be a festive time of year. One goal is to help surviving family members resist the "all or nothing" approach to traditions, Finch said.

"You don't have to do everything you used to do, and you don't have to do everything else, either," Finch said.

Finally, hospice recently brought back to Hernando the ongoing bereavement meetings, held at 3 p.m. each Thursday. It offers a consistent forum for visitors to air their grief, Finch said.

In all the groups, the message is clear, Finch said: The grieving process is an "individual journey" that we travel at our own pace.

"A lot of times we get hooked up on how we think we should be feeling," she said.

Occasionally, Finch said, groups bond like Wrazin's did.

"The first three or four weeks all everybody did was cry," Wrazin recalled. "We've all made great strides."

They get together at least once a month and share in their victories, calling them "merit badges."

For Wrazin, it means learning how to do the things she relied on Bill to do. She learned how to replace a faucet and how to put oil in the lawn mower, though the latter lesson involved too much oil, a whole lot of smoke and a neighbor asking if the fire department should be called.

"As bad as it hurts, I try to focus on how far I've come and how proud he'd be of me," she said.

Now, it's on to Christmas and the New Year. Last Christmas, Wrazin hung a tree in a state of numbness, she said.

"This year I'm almost apprehensive because I feel, and it may hurt," she admitted. "But having the group here, there will be a whole lot of laughter."

Bereavement support

Hernando-Pasco Hospice will offer two bereavement workshops from 2 to 4 p.m. and 7 to 9 p.m. Dec. 3 at its West Hernando Team Office, 12260 Cortez Blvd., in Spring Hill. Hospice also offers ongoing, weekly meetings at the same office at 3 p.m. each Thursday. For more information, call 800-486-8784 or visit www.hphospice.org.

Reporter Tony Marrero can be reached at 352-544-5286 or lmarrero@hernandotoday.com.

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