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Here's To Joe The Plumber And Abdullah The Butcher

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By SCOTT HOLLIFIELD Humor Column By SCOTT HOLLIFIELD Media General News Service

The Tampa Tribune

Published: November 2, 2008

With the historic presidential campaign complete, let us take a moment to salute the Average Joes who stood up to be counted and were reduced to catchy first names and occupations in a cynical effort to win votes with a folksy tone.

I know it was tough out there on the campaign trail trying to connect to people who don't have seven (eight? nine?) houses, so the best way to get down here with us, the unwashed and easily swayed, is to slap on a label that makes us feel important or at least noticed from the jet at 30,000 feet above fly-over states or through the tinted windows of the Straight Talk Express.

My label? I'm just plain, ol' Scott the Smart ***.

So, here's to all those who made a name-check appearance in a candidate's stump speech on that campaign trail, a trail of terror that seemed to go on forever and ever and ever and ever like this sentence and eventually made me want to rip my ears off with a pair of pliers so I could hear no more of it.

I may leave out a few people, but I tip my hat (which was recently foreclosed upon), to:

Joe the Plumber.

Joe the Plumber (yes, he deserves to be mentioned twice based on sheer overkill).

Phil the Farmer.

Jimmy the Greek.

Sammy the Bull.

Frank the Tank.

Kermit the Frog.

Stan the Man.

Sam the Shafted.

Krusty the Clown.

Reggie the Transvestite Airline Pilot.

Dora the Explorer.

Attila the Hun.

Zorak the Alien (sent here on a recon mission to see if earth is suitable to inhabit by the war-like people of the planet Orlaz-9, who will employ their shrink-rays to subdue us and force us to do their bidding.)

Fritz the Cat.

Billy the Kid.

T-Bone the Dude (who set Ray-Ray's pants on fire during fifth-period study hall and got pepper-sprayed by the resource officer.)

Alexander the Great.

Alexander the Just OK.

Alexander the Absolutely Awful.

Mott the Hoople.

Vlad the Impaler.

Greg the Guy (who lived in my dorm and successfully flushed 12 tennis balls down the toilet.)

Eric the Red.

Red (the) Barber.

Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake.

Gus the Field Goal Kicking Mule.

Abdullah the Butcher (the greatest professional wrestler to ever routinely stick a fork in someone's head.)

Jack the Ripper.

Vinnie the Torch.

Tony the Tiger.

Billy the Bum ("who lived by the thumb and sang of the hobo's delight," if there are any John Prine fans out there.)

Bob the Builder.

Conan the Destroyer.

Randy the Rebuilder.

...I could go on, but my brain hurts and I realize this has become tedious for most readers (e-mail me more of 'em at rhollifield@mcdowellnews.com).

Thank you, Joe the Plumber and all of your name/occupation cohorts. Good luck with your future endorsement deals.

You deserve them for your endurance of this campaign.

Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or e-mail rhollifield@mcdowellnews.com.

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