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Nail in the Head

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Scott Hollifield

Humor Columnist

Published: June 13, 2008

Chances are, I will be shot in the head with a nail gun.

It happened to Shawnee, Kan., resident George Chandler, so why wouldn't it happen to me?

George and a buddy were using a nail gun to put lattice on a deck when the gun accidentally fired and drove a 2 1/2-inch nail deep into his skull.

"It never did really what you call hurt," George told NBC's "Today" show.

An emergency room doctor - or handyman posing as an emergency room doctor - used a claw hammer to pull it out, stitched George up and sent him home.

Having been voted "Most Likely To Be Shot In The Head With A Nail Gun" in school and having a family history that includes mishaps with chainsaws, machetes and even a cotton swab (punctured eardrum), I am just waiting for George's fate to befall me. It's not that I dread the pain so much - George said there's surprisingly little of that - it's the whole bureaucratic nightmare that follows - hospitals, insurance companies, etc.

I imagine it will unfold like this:

"Eugene, can you come over to the house and help me build a deck?"

"Sure. You want me to bring my new nail gun?"

"I didn't know you had a nail gun."

"Let's just say it fell off a truck at work."

Four hours later.

"Eugene, put down that beer and hand me the nail gun."

"I bet I can shoot that hornet's nest hanging over there."

"A nail gun is not a toy, so - COOL! Let me do it! Let me do it!"

"Here you go - oops."

Thwump.

"Eugene, I think one of those hornets got me in the back of the head."

"Lordy, somebody done shot you in the noggin with a nail gun."

"It was you. You did it."

"No, sir, I've got me an alibi. I was standing here drinking a beer. You want me to call 911 on my new cell phone?"

"I didn't know you had a cell phone."

"Let's just say it fell off a truck at work."

A six-hour emergency room wait later.

"All right, Mr. Hollifield, what seems to be the trouble?"

"See this nail in my head, doc?"

"Yes."

"It didn't use to be there."

"I see. I'll need 5 cc's of WD-40 and a claw hammer, stat. Make it a Stanley 20-ounce graphite with a high-polished steel head and a ribbed grip."

"Can't you use a generic hammer, doc? I'm trying to do my part to control rising health care costs."

"Certainly, Mr. Hollifield. Too bad he didn't countersink it and you could have just combed your hair differently and forgotten about it. As it is, we'll pull the nail out, fill the hole with wood putty, sand you smooth and you'll be as good as new."

Two months later ...

"I'm calling about a claim that was denied. Last name Hollifield. I had a nail removed from my skull with a claw hammer."

"Yes, sir. Unfortunately, your company-provided health care doesn't cover removal of skull nails by claw hammer. Had the doctor used a flathead screwdriver or needle-nose pliers, your insurance would have covered 75 percent of the cost of treatment, but claw hammers are not on the approved extractor list."

"Come on, I had a nail shot directly into my skull."

"Our records indicate you did waive supplemental nail-gun coverage during your last enrollment period."

"Aren't you even going to pay anything on the wood putty?"

"Unfortunately, Mr. Hollifield, your $500 putty and/or caulk deductible has not been met. But good luck on the 'Today' show."

So, George, it's just a matter of time before I, too, meet the finishing nail of fate. Then, I will feel your pain. Or lack thereof, surprisingly.

Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or e-mail rhollifield@mcdowellnews.com.

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