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Hernando Today

No more Monkey Stories

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The Tampa Tribune

Published: August 24, 2008

Monkey outbreak in Tokyo. As a responsible media organization, we owe it to the public to provide up-to-the-minute monkey news. You're the city editor, so tell me, who do we have to put on this story?"

Well, sir, there's Bledsoe. It's 9 a.m., so he's already drunk. There's Martin, but he's tied up with the libel attorneys all day. Jenkins is with HR due to the pants incident. That leaves Hollifield."

"Who?"

"Hollifield. New kid. Used to fry hushpuppies at the fish camp, but he can put a subject and verb together on the rare occasion, and he's seen 'Godzilla vs. King Kong' 37 times.

"Hollifield! Get in here, pronto!"

"You wanted to see me, chief?"

"What are you working on, kid?"

"I've got a line on a former senator and presidential candidate who may have cheated on his wife and fathered a love child by someone who worked for his campaign."

"You call that news? Leave it to the tabloids. We've got a monkey outbreak in Tokyo."

"You're darn tootin' jeepers."

"I didn't see anything about it on the Internet."

"Internet? What's that?"

"It's like an interconnected electronic web linking people all over the world. It can bring news right to your computer."

"News on the computer? People get their news from the paper, kid. Always have, always will. Now, you've got an unlimited expense account. Money is no object as far as meals and entertainment. Just bring back a Pulitzer Prize-winning monkey story. The company jet is on standby."

"The big jet or the little jet."

"Great Caesar's ghost, son, the big jet! This is a monkey story. You'll have 14 editorial assistants accompanying you as well as Bruno, the company masseuse."

"I thought Serge was the company masseuse."

"Serge is for senior staffers only. You come back with a monkey story that moves some papers, and we'll talk about Serge."

... Yep, that's how we would have handled it back in the old glory days of the newspaper industry.

But who is the real victim of less monkey coverage - me, who doesn't get an all-expense-paid trip to Tokyo and a relaxing massage from Bruno aboard the company jet, or you, the public, with an insatiable appetite for up-to-the-minute, non-biased monkey news?

I say it's me.

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