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Gift of Prophecy

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The Tampa Tribune

Published: December 30, 2007

Updated: 12/29/2007 04:33 pm

Once again, as the year comes to a close and media outlets across the nation inundate us with a "special look back" at events we already know about, I will use my prognosticating ability - a superpower, if you will - to gaze into the future and predict what will happen in the coming months, just as I have each year since 1929.

I acquired the gift as a child, awaking one night to find a bearded, wizened old man standing at my bedside, his eyes afire with a strange glow.

"Are you a wizard?" I asked.

"Uh...yes, my son," he replied. "And I am here to bestow upon you the gift of prophecy."

"But I have nothing to give you in return, oh wise one."

"I'll take that piggy bank and its contents, kid. And maybe some silverware from the kitchen. But, remember, always use your power for good, not evil."

"May I use it to write a two-part newspaper column each year around the holiday season, something that I can hammer out pretty quickly that won't tax my brain and interfere with my excessive eggnog consumption?"

"Knock yourself out, kid."

"It shall be done, oh wise one."

So, in keeping my promise to the wizard, who actually turned out to be a vagrant who lived in a Dumpster behind a convenience store, drank Sterno and went to prison on multiple breaking-and-entering convictions, I present my iron-clad predictions for 2008.

January: President Bush's administration suffers more key departures. Following, in the footsteps of staffers and cabinet members Donald Rumsfeld, Alberto Gonzales, Scott McClellan and Tony Snow, White House carpet cleaner Ernie Fitzgerald and beloved presidential pet Barney the dog both announce their resignations.

"Those two worked well together," Bush says in a statement prepared by one of the few people he can find in an occupied office.

While Fitzgerald announces no future plans, Barney immediately becomes a lobbyist for the Excelsior Pet Food Corp.

February: Wall Street is in turmoil as the CEO of a multinational corporation resigns following a series of disastrous decisions resulting in the loss of billions of investor dollars, setting fire to the break room and stabbing a maintenance man seven times. The CEO leaves with a severance package worth $500 million. The maintenance man is terminated for violating the "no bleeding on the carpet" policy.

March: With polls showing the Democratic presidential nomination neck and neck between Hillary Clinton and Barak Obama, former President Bill Clinton hits the trail for his wife, making campaign stops at Hooters in all 50 states.

"I feel your pain," says Clinton, "cause those dang wings are hot."

April: Excelsior Pet Food Corp. wins an exclusive contract to supply chow to all military dogs serving in Iraq and Afghanistan. The company also receives a patent for its powerful animal growth hormone.

In what is becoming a growing steroid scandal in the world of journalism, a massively bulked up Lou Dobbs of CNN travels to the Mexican border and begins physically throwing illegal immigrants back across the Rio Grande.

May: In an improbable turn of events, wildly popular talk show host Oprah Winfrey sweeps both the Democratic and Republican primaries in several states, making her the new front-runner for both parties. At a stop in Nebraska, a clearly angry Hillary Clinton threatens to "scratch her eyes out" while Joe Biden gleefully yells, "Girl fight! Girl fight!"

June: A House subcommittee opens an investigation into the activities of Excelsior Pet Food lobbyist Barney the dog amid allegations of kickbacks to congressmen and for allegedly supplying an unnamed TV newsman with powerful animal growth hormones.

President Bush announces that intelligence reports indicate North Dakota is developing a nuclear weapon.

"It's either North Dakota or North Korea," says Bush. "I can't read this new guy's writin.'"

Next week: Part two of the iron-clad predictions for 2008

E-mail rhollifield@mcdowellnews.com.

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